


The Tragedy of Memory

by Lauded_Liar



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: 69 (Sex Position), Alistair will make it, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Sex, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Blow Jobs, Budding Love, Cullen loves him, Death, F/M, Friendship, Halloween Costumes, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Memories, Non-Consensual Touching, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, War, life goes on - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:00:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27433186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lauded_Liar/pseuds/Lauded_Liar
Summary: There are some things that we carry with us.  They weigh nothing and yet can drag even the strongest man to his knee.  Memories are the heaviest burdens man endures.
Relationships: Blackwall | Thom Rainier/Female Trevelyan, Dorian Pavus/Cullen Rutherford
Comments: 35
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, I dunno why I keep starting new things. And I dunno why I can't just finish something first!
> 
> That being said, this should (if I can actually DO IT) have multiple parts. Not a lot, like at most five chapters.
> 
> And for some reason I have been really moody and kind of in a bad mood lately. So this isn't a happy story. I mean... it'll start okay.
> 
> Also, wrote it at work so sorry if it's not... well... as coherent as it could be.

“Get off of me.” Dorian gruffed, pushing the heavy sweating body away from him. The man smelled of stale cigarettes and beer. “I already fucking told you no.”

“C’mon! You’re so pretty, like one of those exotic she-males. I just want to see what’s between your legs!” The man was stronger than him and he pushed forward again, pinning Dorian against the wall as his hand slid under the silken dress to roughly drag up his thigh. “Oh man, you shaved too!”

“Get off of me!” Dorian shouted angrily, pushing the man as hard as he could. The brute stumbled backwards. He was able to almost get away but a large ham of a hand grabbed his wrist and pulled him back against a sweat damp body. “Let go! Get o-” A second hand covered his mouth and nose, stifling his cries of protest.

He struggled violently elbowing the other man in the ribs and stomach, kicking back against shins and knees. A vicious strike against the other’s solar plexus winded the man enough that Dorian was able to take his own deep breath and shout once more for help. But he was slammed against the wall hard enough to knock his head against the dirty brick and cut his cry for help short.

Dazed, Dorian leaned against the wall as the world swum around him. He could feel sweaty, cold hands groping along his thigh under the hem of his dress and he wondered in his daze how women could wear the cursed things all the time, being so exposed and all.

“Ge’ off me...” He mumbled, groaning in disgust as hot breath panted against the back of his head. He tried again to push the drunken assailant away.

“Hey! Pretty sure he said to get off!” A voice hollered. There was the sound of a scuffle and the stinking heavy body at Dorian’s back was pulled away. “”Fucking prick!”

Dorian watched as his would-be-rapist stumbled out of the alleyway and down the street nursing a fresh black eye. It took him more than a moment to realize he was somewhat safe. He turned and looked at a rather well built blonde man flipping the retreating figure the middle finger.

“My bloody hero.” He grumbled, tugging on the bottom of his dress.

“Are you okay?” The man asked, reaching over towards him, concern crumpling his brow.

“A lot better than I would’ve been.” Dorian said, words mildly slurred, as he rubbed at a sore spot on his forehead. A nicely sized lump was forming and it was tender to the touch.

“Yeah. Um... My name is Cullen. You, uh... You here with the bachelorette party?” Cullen asked.

“What gave it away? This charming sickly pink dress? Or was it the dick pendant on my necklace?” Dorian asked, groaning as he stood up straight. The world was still a little fuzzy but he wasn’t entirely sure if it was from the alcohol or the bump on his head.

The blonde chuckled. “A little column a, a little column b.”

He grunted in response and leaned back against the wall as he sized up his rescuer. “And how about you?”

“Just out with some friends.” Cullen admitted, looking down at his boots. “Um... I noticed that guy following you around for awhile and... Well, when neither of you came back in after a few minutes...”

“So you’re a stalker then?” Dorian asked as he took deep breaths of the warm night air. It was tinged with the smell of piss and trash.

Cullen shrugged. “A concerned bystander. So did I read that situation wrong then? Were you... like doing a roleplay thing?”

Dorian grimaced and shook his head. “No, sorry. I don’t mean to seem unappreciative.”

“You, uh, going back inside?” The blonde was shifting from foot to foot, glancing every now and then up with concern clear in his eyes. 

“I think I’m rather funned out.” Dorian huffed as he wiped at the dirt that smeared the front of his dress. Thankfully he hadn’t had to spend too much money on it having found it in the sales section of Ross.

“I can... Get you an Uber.”

“That would probably be for the best.” A shiver shook him and Dorian clutched his hands over his upper arms as a strange chill passed. He’d been in bad situations before but never had any gotten that far. Never had he actually been so close to being used and left in a ditch, just another body to be found and processed by the authorties the next day.

His knight-in-shining armor passed over his phone so that Dorian could enter his address in the proper field and the request was sent. “Huh, you live off of York Street?” The man commented, even as they wandered towards the front of the building to wait for the car to arrive.

“Um.” Dorian side eyed the blonde cautiously.

“I... I live just off Grant Street.” Cullen huffed an awkward laugh. “Sorry, I’m not a stalker, promise.”

“Right.” Dorian sat down on the stoop at the front of the bar, his hands shaking hard. The tall blonde man stood next to him at a respectable distance. “So are you from Denver?” He asked, deciding small talk was better than sitting in silence and replaying what had happened to him over and over again.

“No. I grew up in Greeley. Ah, kind of a country hick, I guess.”

“A country hick that goes to a gay and lesbian bar downtown on a week night? Interesting.” Dorian rubbed his hands together as another shiver wracked him.

“My friend likes this place. He claims to get more women here than most straight clubs.” Cullen shrugged as he eyed Dorian carefully. “You cold?” The man removed his black leather jacket and held it out for him to take.

“Aren’t you just a charmer.” Dorian accepted the jacket and slipped it over his shoulders.

“You don’t sound like -”

“Cullen! There you are! Hey, that cute little brunette was asking where you went! I said, look, I said ‘he’s probably in the shitter let me go get him’. Dude! I’m trying to help you get your dick wet and you’re out here! She’s so fucking cuuute.” A tall, red haired man came careening around the corner, running into Cullen and nearly knocking the blonde over as he came to a stop. Brown eyes glanced over Dorian hunched in Cullen’s coat in front of the entrance. “Hey. You don’t happen to have a smoke do you?”

“Nope.” Dorian said.

“Shit. Hey! Man! Can I bum a smoke off you!” The red head turned, walking with long strides over towards a couple of men huddled down the sidewalk a bit.

“Who was that?” Dorian asked, watching amused as the rambunctious man was given a cigarette and struck up an easy conversation with the two strangers.

“That was my best friend. Alistair. Although a lot of people just call him Al. Or dip-shit.” Cullen was watching the other smoke with the two random strangers. A loud buzz echoed from the blonde’s phone and he looked down at it. “Car will be here in two minutes.” They both glanced around the street as if they could see the vehicle already.

“Thank you. For saving my life as well as the ride. Uh, if you’re staying for a bit, would you mind telling my friends inside that I had to go home? Make up some story or something, don’t tell them what actually happened.”

“Sure thing.” Cullen nodded.

“Oh and tell her that I’m never wearing a dress again. I don’t care how great my legs look, she can go fuck off.” Dorian stood up, wobbling slightly on the heeled shoes he wore. “Also, fuck these shoes. I don’t know how women do it.”

Cullen laughed at him. “Well, your legs do look pretty great.” He said, shrugging.

A red head of hair appeared over the man’s shoulder, arms wrapping around the blonde’s waist. Cullen grunted and released a loud wheeze of air as those arms squeezed tight.

“He’s bi- _sex_ -ual, so you can take that compliment to the bank.” Alistair said, grinning widely at Dorian.

“Right. Thanks, I guess.” Dorian’s cheeks warmed.

“Ugh. Alistair, go back inside. Get me another beer. I’ll be right there.” Cullen shoved his elbow into the other’s ribs, earning a pained squawk from the red head.

“Another IPA?” The man asked as he jumped onto the stoop of the entrance and showed his wrist band to the bouncer.

“Yeah. Great.”

“Big one?”

“Yes!”

“Really big one?!” Alistair was shouting out the doorway, even as the door was slowly closing in his face.

“Yes! You giant fucking Magoo.” Cullen muttered, rubbing at the back of his head as the door clicked shut. The bouncer’s shoulders shook as he laughed.

“Man, I love when you two come out. It’s always a good night with that joker around.” The large bouncer said, grinning at Cullen as he leaned back in his fold out chair.

A small white Prius pulled up, a pink Lyft sign in the front windshield glowing brightly.

“I think this is my ride.” Dorian said, removing the coat and handing it over the blonde. “Thank you. Again.”

“Yeah. You going to be alright?” Cullen asked as he took the jacket back.

“A little wonky but I’ll make it.” He stepped towards the car and opened the back door. “Have fun, eh? My knight-in-shining armor.” He slipped into the car, shutting the door and waving at the man through the window. Cullen waved back at him and stood on the curb as he watched the white car drive off until it passed beyond sight.

Dorian wondered, as he crawled into bed when he got home, if he should have given the blonde his phone number at the very least.

“You’re a bleeding idiot, Dorian.” He muttered, shuffling his pillows around behind his head before slipping into a fretful sleep.

Months passed and the rather dreadful situation that had occurred outside the bar had faded to a mildly uncomfortable memory for Dorian. The incident was never mentioned and his friend, Evelyn Trevelyan, married Tom Rainer a few days later. A beautiful ceremony that took place in the beautiful summer warmed mountains. The two wrote their own sappy proposals and Dorian would never admit it, but he shed a few tears as the couple kissed beneath the aspens.

The sound of the party thrummed down the hall of the apartment building long before Dorian was even close to his friend’s residence. He wondered just how long it would be before the police were called to tell them to quiet down. It was still early in the evening though and he adjusted his costume before knocking on the door of apartment 321.

The door creaked open and Tom’s bearded face peeked out through the crack at him.

“Dorian! Come in, come in! Eve has been asking when you were going to get here. What’s that you’re wearing?”

Dorian grinned as he pushed through the door, awkwardly maneuvering through the doorway with his costume. “What you don’t know popular cereals here in America? I know you’re a Canuck, Tom, but really?”

“Yeah, but I thought you were British not Irish.” He said, a finger tapping the green leprechaun character on the front of his boxy costume.

“Racist.” Dorian hissed. The man’s blue eyes widened for a moment before his big shaggy head rolled back and loud laughter filled the foyer of the apartment.

“Dorian!” A feminine voice cried and he was suddenly accosted by the slender form of his best friend.

“Evelyn!”

“It’s really hard to hug a box.” The woman whined as she pressed a painted cheek to his front. “I didn’t think you were coming, I was so worried!”

“I just had to work a bit later than expected is all, love.” He patted the woman’s shoulder lovingly. Hugging, in a giant box, was out of the question.

“We have jungle juice, I’ll go get you some!” The woman turned and rushed away, faux bright red pigtails bouncing in the air.

“Who-”

“Pippy Longstocking. She wanted me to be Puff the Magic Dragon. But I have to be on duty in a few hours and passed on the costume this year.” Tom admitted.

“Mm. Should be an exciting night to patrol.” Dorian said as he eyed the man. Tom was working his way up through the ranks of the police department. He was certain to be Chief within the next few years with the way he was going.

“I’m sure there’ll be plenty of exciting stories for our next brunch.” The other stepped away from Dorian and followed his wife into the kitchen of the apartment.

People were mingling around the living room and kitchen, spilling into the hallway towards the bedrooms. He was greeted by fellow nurses, a couple rather strapping firefighters, one police officer (though he gave the man a wide berth, best not to reopen that can of worms) and a few old college friends.

“Lucky Chaarrrrms!” A woman dressed as a vampire hollered from across the room and Dorian laughed as he waved at Sera.

Dorian made his way into the kitchen, apologizing to a few people for bumping into them with his costume. Most just laughed and moved away from the overly large cardboard monstrosity. He probably should have made it a little smaller, but really then the proportions would have been off and what’s a good costume if it’s proportions are wrong?

“Dorian! Here!” Evelyn pushed through the crowd and handed him an overly full cup of purplish pink liquid. It smelled of straight alcohol and he did his best to turn his grimace into a smile.

“Ah, thank you.” Dorian lifted the cup up to his lips and sipped daintily at the drink. To say it smelled of alcohol said nothing of the fact that it tasted of straight moonshine. Or rubbing alcohol. “Delightful.” He coughed after the barest hint of liquor slipped down his throat, burning as it went.

Evelyn laughed adorably. “Hey! I’m pretty sure you met before but...” She turned and grabbed a man’s hand, pulling him away from a conversation. “This is Cullen! Why do I feel like you’ve met before?” The woman scrunched her nose up as she stared at the tall blonde man.

“Uh, Charlie’s, right?” Cullen answered, smiling at Dorian. He held out a large hand in greeting as if he hadn’t saved Dorian from utter humiliation less than six months prior.

“Ah, yeah. Charlie’s...” Dorian took the man’s hand and shook it quickly before taking his hand back, embarrassed as the memory of sweaty palms and rancid breath reared it’s ugly head.

“Oh yeah! You got him an Uber after he fell right? I didn’t even realize you were that drunk at the time, Dorian!” Evelyn smiled a little sadly at him.

“Ahem, yeah. I guess I didn’t realize it myself.” He stared at the handsome smiling man.

“I like your costume.” Cullen said, motioning with his hand towards the green box. “What made you think of it?”

“Well, I am magically delicious. So it felt a good fit.” Dorian winked at the two and sipped again at his cup. “Mm, God. That is... So good, Evelyn.” He cleared his throat, brow crinkling as he watched a random half of blueberry sink to the bottom of the cup.

“Thanks! Oh! I have to go say hi to Cassandra, she said she had to leave soon.” The woman pushed past Dorian and back through the crowded living room towards a black haired, scowling woman sitting on the armrest of the couch.

“Want a beer?” Cullen asked, eyes crinkled in amusement as Dorian swirled the foul liquid in his red plastic cup.

“Please, God, yes.” Relief swept over him as he set the barely touched drink onto the granite counter top and accepted a brown bottle from the other. The bottle top was easily popped off and Dorian took a gulp of the effervescent booze, swishing it around a bit to try and get rid of the acrid taste of the other liquor. “So... Who are you dressed up as?” He looked over the man, noting the red plaid shirt, red beanie hat, bright blue jeans and an axe attached to his hip.

“Paul Bunyan!” The blonde waved towards the little plastic blue ox glued to his shoulder. “And my trusty ox pal, Babe.”

“I have absolutely no idea who you’re talking about.” Dorian said, taking another long swig of the generic beer.

“Yeah. I guess it’s a history nerd thing.” Cullen’s cheeks flushed an adorably pink color and the man rubbed at the back of his neck.

“You’re a history buff, then?” He asked, unable to take his eyes off flushed cheeks and a honey-brown gaze that seemed to pull him in like the tide.

Cullen shrugged nonchalantly. “Yeah. A bit.”

“Like a hobby?” Dorian pursed his lips and shrugged as well. “I mean could be a worse one, my cousin has a fondness for collecting antique cat figurines.”

“Uh.” That charmingly adorable neck rub. “I, so. I’m a museum curator.”

“Oh. Much more than just a hobby!” Dorian grinned at the man. “I’ve never met a curator.”

“Yeah. I found a love of history while serving over seas, and figured why not make a career out of it, you know?” Cullen smiled oh so beautifully at him.

“Cullen! Cullen!” A vaguely familiar voice cried. “Cullen, they don’t know who I am!” Alistair appeared, a nearly empty red plastic cup in his clutch. The man was dressed in a puffy black outfit, slap dash homemade fly wings hot glued to the back. He was wearing a crazy long haired black wig and a pair of thick rimmed glasses. “Who doesn’t know Jeff Goldblum!”

“We know who Jeff Goldblum is, but why are you dressed like a bug?”

“I’m the Fly!” Alistair whined as he turned and looked back at a pair of rather young looking women. No one that Dorian recognized and he wondered if they were crashers.

“I think they might be a little young to know the reference.” Cullen consoled his distraught friend.

“From the looks of them, they probably shouldn’t even be drinking.” Dorian said, rubbing at his chin as he wondered how the two had even gotten into the party.

“We’re legal age to drink.” One said, flipping her long black hair over one shoulder. They were both dressed rather scantily, makeup caked on so thick Dorian felt he could swipe his finger through the foundation and not touch skin.

“Right. You have your ID’s on you, then? Because the owner of this lovely flat is a police officer and would be rather put off if you turned out to be, I dunno, under age party crashers.” Dorian shrugged and puffed out his lower lip, eyes wide as if it were just a coincidence.

The two women stared at him for a moment. “We were invited by a friend.”

“Oh, who? I probably know them.” Dorian stood on his tip toes and glanced around the room. “Was it Cole? He’s always trying to make friends.”

The women rolled their eyes and walked away into the crowd, muttering about how they didn’t have to prove anything to him.

“Hm. If either of you see Tom, let me know. He doesn’t need that stain on his record.” Dorian finished off his beer and set the empty bottle next to his discarded drink. “Anything better than that swill?” He asked Cullen.

“Maybe. It’s been picked pretty clean.” The blonde said as he reached into the ice filled sink and dug around for whatever was left.

“Man... I’m never going to find love.” Alistair sighed heavily, leaning against the counter between Dorian and Cullen, taking the last drink from his cup. “Is it because I’m ugly? Or stupid?” He asked, setting his glass down and picking up Dorian’s discarded one. “Who’s is this?” He asked, sipping it before getting an answer.

“That was mine. I’d say don’t worry I don’t have herpes, but pretty sure the alcohol content of that drink will kill pretty much any living organism.” Dorian grimaced as he watched Alistair take a large gulp of the pure Everclear.

“Good. I’m ready to die.” Alistair moaned, grimacing and making a strange hacking sound as he finished his swallow.

“Don’t say that. I don’t know what I’d do without you around.” Cullen said, handing a can of Guinness to Dorian.

“Right. I’m not really Irish, you know.” He said, smirking as he popped open the can.

“Look, it was either that or another Coors. And I’m pretty sure with how deep that one was buried it was being saved by someone so enjoy it.”

“What are you then?” Alistair asked, taking another, much smaller drink from the plastic cup. “If not a magical leprechaun from the Emerald Isle?”

“I’m from London.” Dorian said. “So I suppose a Brit.”

“A Brit.” Alistair mocked, holding his pinky out from his cup.

“Be nice.” Cullen chided.

“He chased them away!”

“You were not going to be bringing either of them home with us.”

Alistair snorted and sipped at his drink again, pouting all the while. The tall red head was silent for a moment, watching the crowd mingle around them. “Remember the women in London? Oh, man, Cullen! Remember that French chick?”

“The one Bull liked?” Cullen asked.

“Yeah, yeah. She was fun.” The red head sounded wistful. “Sometimes I miss those days.”

“I don’t.” Cullen said, looking down at his beer bottle. There was a strange cloud that seemed to settle around his shoulders.

“Who’s that?” Alistair asked suddenly, tapping Dorian on the edge of his box before pointing towards a woman leaning against the wall, nursing a drink, alone.

“Lydia Deetz from Beetlejuice.” Dorian offered.

Alistair rolled his eyes and glanced sideways at Cullen. “Really? This guy? No, who is _she_.”

“That is Morrigan.” Dorian eyed Alistair carefully, a small smile playing his lips. “She’s super hot. Like smoking. And I’m gay, so you can take that to the bank.” He said remembering the other’s colloquialism and noting the way the other man was looking over the lone woman.

“Huh.” A pink tongue slid over Alistair’s teeth as he considered the woman. “Shoot your shot, Alistair.” The man whispered before stepping around Dorian’s ungainly costume and pushing through the crowd towards Morrigan.

“Poor sap.” Dorian chortled as he watched the other approach the raven haired woman.

“That’s not going to end well, is it?” Cullen asked, sipping his beer and watching his friend greet the woman.

“He’ll be fine. Big strong lad like that. So, you’ve been to Europe?”

“We were in the Marines. Had the pleasure of serving in the Middle East. But the cool thing about the Middle East? It’s real close to Europe.” Cullen lifted his beer bottle in a salute and then tipped the contents into his mouth. “Think I want something a little stronger. But not... That.” He eyed the bowl of jungle juice, the fruit floating in it looking rather worse for wear as time went on. “I thought there was a bottle of whiskey around here somewhere...” The man glanced around the kitchen for a moment before snatching up a nearly empty bottle of Jameson. He grabbed Alistair’s empty cup and dumped the last of the whiskey in. “Better.” The blonde muttered as he sipped at the amber liquid.

“Doesn’t taste a bit off?” Dorian asked, worried the stain of the juice would taint the precious whiskey.

“Nah. A little. It’s fine.” Cullen winked at Dorian and sipped some more at his drink.

Dorian’s heart fluttered with the other’s wink, his cheeks warming. “Military, then? Sounds exciting.”

“That’s one way of putting it. It’s funny, when you’re young they play it up as such a big accomplishment to be a Marine, a soldier. Oo-rah, and all that jazz. Be all you can be...” The man trailed off a bit and looked at his friend trying (and failing) to gain Morrigan’s interest. “They don’t tell you the bad parts. The awful things you’ll see. And do. All the brother’s and sister’s you’ll watch die... Or just fade away.” That cloud hovered over the blonde, his handsome face crumpling just slightly as he saw Alistair get shot down by the raven haired woman.

“She was really mean. You set me up to that, didn’t you?” Alistair asked as he stomped back to where the two men stood.

Dorian pulled his gaze away from Cullen’s sad face to look into Alistair’s own angry one. “I never said she was an easy target. Just that she was hot. You can have one without the other.”

“Yeah, well, I like my hotties like I enjoy my Eggos. Fast and easy.”

“I have a feeling that applies more to you, love.”

Cullen laughed, his cheeks turning pink again. Dorian was quite smitten, and he’d barely known the man over an hour.

“Prick.” Alistair mumbled, but the insult was tamed by the man’s smirk and the amused twinkle in his brown eyes.

“Cullen was telling me about your adventures as a Marine.” Dorian said. He decided leaving out the rather melancholy turn they’d taken. “What was your favorite?”

“Which part? Getting my ass kicked during boot camp? Disarming IEDs? How about the time our caravan broke down and we had to hoof over that mountain back to base? And we ran out of water halfway back. Damn that sucked.” Alistair stared over Cullen’s shoulder and he took a large gulp of his drink. “I hate hiking.”

“Yeah. That was pretty bad.” Cullen agreed nodding as he swirled his cup, watching the amber liquid within create a whirlpool.

“Alright. I thought it over. Meet me in the bedroom in five minutes.” Morrigan randomly appeared beside Alistair, startling all three men out of their grim thoughts.

“What?” Alistair perked up almost instantly, his head wrenching around so fast to look at the woman Dorian was sure he gave himself whiplash.

“Sex. Bedroom. Five minutes.” The woman finished her drink in two huge swallows, slammed the empty cup down onto the counter and walked away towards the hallway.

Dorian’s eyebrows rose on his forehead as he sipped his beer and watched the flustered man dressed as a ridiculous insect. “Wow. What did you tell her?”

“I don’t know. But I really hope that it lasts longer than five minutes. Oh, shit! Cul, you got a condom?” Alistair set his half empty cup on the counter as he watched Cullen remove his wallet from a back pocket.

“Maybe.” The blonde opened the wallet. He searched between a few green bills before pulling out two foil packages. “I don’t know how long they’ve been in there, check the expiration date.” He warned, tearing one off and handing it over to his friend.

Alistair looked over the foil package quickly. “It’s good.” The man was quick to step around Dorian and follow the woman back to the bedrooms beyond.

“I hope your friends are okay with that.” Cullen muttered, folding his wallet back up and replacing it into his pocket.

“There’s been far worse to occur in that guest room, believe me. You’re surprisingly prepared. Expecting some fun of your own?” Dorian teased, winking at the blonde as he looked up.

A small grin stretched the man’s face and he snickered softly. “Paul Bunyan was the first boy scout. And boy scouts are always prepared.”

“Is that so?” Dorian laughed and set his empty beer can down. “Any more of that Jameson?”

“No, I took the last.” Cullen glanced into his cup, measuring the meager amount left.

“Give it here, then.” Dorian reached out, taking the cup from the man’s hand. Their fingers brushed and an electric tingle shot straight up his arm and his heart fluttered giddily even as he lifted the pilfered cup to his lips and sipped at the remaining whiskey.

“What if I have herpes?” Cullen asked, eyebrows raised, cheeks flushed.

“A man that carries around condoms clearly plays it safe.”

“You’re right. I’m clean.” The blonde shrugged.

“Wonderful news. I’ll tell all the eligible women I know.”

“Yeah. I should probably give you my phone number so you can pass it out. To all those women, of course.” Cullen’s ears turned a bright red and he took his plastic cup back from Dorian.

“Of course.” Heart kicking madly in his chest Dorian pulled his arm into his costume and dug around in his pocket for his phone. “What is it?” He asked, trying to seem calm and assured. His hand shook just slightly and it took him a bit longer to get the pass code to work.

“Three-zero-three.” Honey brown eyes never left his face and Dorian’s breath stuttered as he looked up into them, once more feeling that inexorable pull. He almost missed the last numbers provided, so enamored was he with the golden flecks that dotted the other’s irises. “Just remember, I have a thing for brunettes.” Cullen stated after Dorian finished entering his number.

“Right, brunettes, check. Got it.”

“So you know more about me now than I do about you. I feel like that’s pretty unfair.” Cullen held the red plastic cup out towards Dorian. “You can finish it off.” He said, watching as he took the cup and tilted the contents into his mouth. Anything to calm the fluttering in his chest.

“What would you like to know? I’m afraid I’m far more boring than a world traveling American Marine.” Dorian cleared his throat and he reached up to adjust the green hat on his head. He was acutely aware of how utterly ridiculous he looked suddenly. Someone bumped into his overly large costume, a muttered apology passed between them.

“Want another?” Cullen asked, nodding towards the empty bottles.

“Yes. God, please.” He could feel the awful grip of anxiety starting to wrap it’s icy fingers around his chest. Alcohol, as fun as it was, seemed to aggravate his nerves. It was why he’d been in that alleyway behind the bar. To get some air, try and calm the nervous fluttering of his heart, to reach an equilibrium in his stuttered breathing. The room felt hot, sweat beaded along his upper lip and Dorian wiped at it nervously (thankfully his mustache hid it) as Cullen stepped over to the sink and grabbed two more generic beer bottles.

The man was graceful, with muscles that slithered beneath creamy skin. He seemed calm, assured. His voice was a steady tenor and Dorian wondered what it would be like to hear that voice pitch in excitement. To hear how low the man could moan in pleasure.

_Stop it. Stop it right now. This is not helping._ He chided himself and took a calming breath as he accepted one of the offered bottles.

“Thank you. So... What would you like to know?” Dorian asked, fingers fiddling with the brim of his hat, wiping at the sweat that beaded along his brow.

“Where do you work?” Cullen asked, sipping at his cold beer.

“I work at Denver Health Hospital in the NICU.”

“You’re a doctor?” The man asked, eyes wide.

“No, heaven’s no. I’m a nurse.” Dorian sipped at his beer.

“Why come here from London?” Cullen asked. Those wonderfully beautiful eyes searching his face.

“Was looking for an adventure. Applied to just about every university in the States. Was offered a full ride scholarship at the University of Colorado here in Denver. Moved here almost ten years ago, fell in love with everything, everyone and have not left yet.”

“Wow. That’s... quite the adventure.” Cullen smiled with such genuine care that it gave Dorian pause. Surely the man wasn’t that interested in his boring story.

“It’s rather trite. Honestly.” Dorian glanced away, wiping again at his forehead as more sweat bloomed across his skin. “Rather hot in here, don’t you think?”

“I’m fine. But I’m also not wearing a giant cereal box. You know what would have made that costume so much better? If you had bags of cereal that you handed out to people.” Cullen nodded excitedly at the idea. “Of course I might just be hungry.”

“Hm. There’s a really great late night taco stand just down the street. One of those pop up ones. Amazing lengua tacos.”

“Ick. Lengua? You like that?”

“If it’s made proper, it’s quite delightful.” Dorian said, tilting his beer bottle towards Cullen. “Fancy a walk?”

“Yeah. Should we... like take orders? Bring back a party pack or something?” Cullen asked, glancing around the room. About half the attendees had left by that point.

“Party pack? Lord help me with this one. I thought you were a man of refined taste. Working in a museum and all. And here you are talking about a party pack, like we’re going to Taco Bell, or something.”

Cullen grinned at him in amusement. “I don’t know. The taco place near my house has like a twelve pack mix and match deal. They also have tequila tasting every Tuesday night.”

“Really?” Dorian nodded, impressed.

“Yeah. Alistair and I can crush some tacos.”

“All twelve by yourselves?” His eyebrows rose on his forehead so far they nearly disappeared beneath his hat.

“Yeah. They’re great after a heavy lifting day. So, enough talk, I’m ready for tacos.”

“Tacos! Dorian are you going to that truck?” Evelyn appeared beside him.

“Speak a sin and the Devil listens.” Dorian said as he looked over at his clearly inebriated friend.

“Oh please, bring me back three chicken tacos!”

“I want tacos!” Someone else chimed in.

Soon enough they were given a list of orders to take with them. They stepped from the apartment, Dorian’s phone vibrating as Venmo and PayPal flooded with money. Cullen counted a crumpled wad of green bills.

“How much do these tacos cost? I feel like they’ve given way more than necessary.” He said, his forehead wrinkled in concern at the volume of ones and fives he was trying to sort out and stuff into his wallet.

“Better to be over paid than under.” Dorian shrugged as they got onto the elevator and rode down to the entrance way of the building.

There were assortments of goblins and skeletons, sexy vampries, football players, zombies, and even one walking lamp being followed by a rather adorable moth as they strode down the street towards the taco truck. The air had a crisp fall bite to it and Dorian pulled his arms into his cardboard box to warm himself.

“Not so uncomfortably hot now.” Cullen mused as he watched Dorian shiver as they got into the line at the truck.

“It’s quite lovely out. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He said, setting his jaw obstinately, even as a shiver wracked his full body.

Cullen chortled and stepped closer to him, resting an arm on the edge of his costume. “I’ll share my warmth as best I can, box boy.”

“Hey! Watch the corners.” Dorian barked, but his lips pulled back in a grin, even as his cheeks warmed delightfully.

The line moved swiftly, that is until they stepped up with their large order in hand. The young man inside the truck stared at them and huffed a loud sigh.

“Step to the side, this will take awhile. We’ll call you over when it’s finished. Next!”

Cullen was watching through the window as an older gentleman made the tacos with flourish. Loud mariachi music blared from inside the truck and Dorian stepped back up to the window as the last couple stepped away with their tacos in hand.

“Two Mexican hot chocolates please.” He said, watching as their order was finally being put together.

The man handed the spiced drinks over, taking the bills from Dorian’s hand and stuffing them into a lockbox beneath the counter.

“So what made you want to work in a museum?” He asked, handing the hot beverage over to Cullen.

“Thank you. Uh. It’s always interested me a little, I guess. When we were over seas and saw all that history up close it... Well, it made me wanna know more. You’re really lucky to have grown up in a place where you could literally touch the history all around you. I envy that.”

“Seems great from that perspective I suppose. So you went to school for it?”

“Yeah. I start my thesis for my PhD in spring. Eurasian histories with an emphasis on religion and politics.”

Dorian sipped at his hot chocolate, eyeing the other man with an appreciative look. “Impressive.”

“Not as impressive as being a NICU nurse.” Cullen said, his voice pitched low.

Dorian wrinkled his nose and took another drink of his chocolate. “I still haven’t decided if it’s what I want to do when I grow up. Been at it... near on five years now. Still don’t quite know if it’s a right fit.”

“I don’t think we ever really know what we want.” The sincerity in the other’s gaze held Dorian captive.

“Perhaps.” He whispered. “You seem to have figured it out, at least.”

“Play the cards you’re dealt.” He said, shrugging.

“Isn’t that a country song?”

“The Gambler, by Kenny Rogers?”

“You really are a country hick.”

“You gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, know when to run.” Cullen sang and tapped his foot in tune to the song.

Dorian laughed. He snorted loudly and a hand slapped over his mouth, eyes wide as he stared at the other man. But the moment just seemed to make the blonde laugh louder. They almost didn’t hear their order being called out in the raucous laughter that bubbled forth unhindered between them.

Cullen took the three large bags of tacos, tucking a neat twenty dollar bill into the tip jar before they stepped away and headed back to the apartment building.

“Five dollars says Evey has already passed out.” Dorian bet.

“Not taking that bet.” Cullen said, holding the door of the building open wide so Dorian could slide in sideways.

“C’mon, it’s a fifty-fifty chance. Those are pretty good gambling odds.” He urged.

“You’ve known her for way longer than I have. I don’t think my paltry three meetings with the woman can compare to your being her Man of Honor.” Cullen admitted, holding the cooling bags of food close to him as they waited for the elevator to open.

“Three times?” Dorian asked. “When..?”

“Her and um... That cute little black haired woman. Really skinny, super sweet. I can’t remember her name...”

“Merrill?”

“Yeah, Merri! They came to the museum one day when I was working. I gave them a tour, we had lunch. It was nice.” Cullen was smiling so sweetly it squashed any feelings of jealousy that may have tried to sneak into Dorian’s chest.

“She never told me that.” He said, stepping into the elevator after a werewolf and a Smouldering Nuntm stepped off.

“Oh. Well, I mean it wasn’t all that exciting. That was when she invited us to this party.” Cullen hit the button for the third floor and the doors slowly slid shut.

Dorian stared at his ridiculous image reflected back at him in the silvered door. A giant red box of Lucky Charms, green leprechaun outfit beneath. He wondered why she hadn’t mentioned going to lunch with the rather handsome, tall blonde. He supposed, honestly, that there was plenty of things Evelyn didn’t tell him. They weren’t, after all, working graveyard shifts anymore, riding back and forth in the ambulance from one tragedy to the next, unlimited amount of time to chat about boys and sex and school.

“You alright?” Cullen asked, holding the door of the elevator open for him to get off.

“Yeah, yeah. Thank you. I just realized how absolutely exhausted I am.” Dorian said as they walked down the blank hallway to the now quiet apartment.

When the apartment door opened and they were greeted by a loud cheer of approval, Dorian quickly forgot his pensive, gloomy thoughts and joined in the revelry of good friends and tacos.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The most exciting time in a relationship is the flirtatious beginnings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this might come out faster than I usually update only because they won't shut up in my head. Like I'm... I'm losing my mind. First 2020, then the election, then these guys WON'T SHUT UP.
> 
> I got things to do, boys! Places to be! Wine to drink!
> 
> Ugh.
> 
> A little text interlude for fun-sies. ;)

_Nov 2 10:32 am_ **D:** Hey! It’s me, Dorian. The unlucky Lucky Charms? I just was reaching out to say I tried to give your phone number out to some of the ladies around here in the  
>NICU but all of them just cried or fell asleep or shit themselves. One of them stuck the paper in their mouth. Anyway, just a heads up I haven’t forgotten  
>about you ;)

 _Nov 2 11:04 am_ **C:** LOL thanks! I was wondering why my phone wasn’t blowing up from all those hot chicks you promised!

 _Nov 2 11:08 am_ **D:** I swear I’ve tried. I even tried to give it to our head nurse (she’s a total milf) but her answer was ‘Dorian, I’m 60 years old and happily married, do go   
>fuck right off.’ Honestly I think she might be interested! I’ll keep giving it the good old college try just for you.

 _Nov 2 11:09 am_ **C:** LMAO! :laughing emoji: Aw, man she sounds too good to be true! Did you tell her I make a mean lasagna? Chicks love lasagna.

 _Nov 2 11:25 am_ **D:** No but I’ll be sure to mention it next time I see her. Look at this cutie:  
 _img: a picture of a premature infant swaddled in a green blanket, a frog hat on it’s diminutive head and it’s hand dwarfed by Dorian’s finger clutched tightly within it’s miniature grasp :img_

 _Nov 2 11:32 am_ **C:** I just showed that to my coworkers and there is so much estrogen in this room right now. I’m terrified for my testes.

 _Nov 2 11:33 am_ **D:** I promised you women, didn’t I? Expect a to be invited to quite a few baby showers in about six to seven months then.

 _Nov 2 11:33 am_ **C:** I’ll need a date?

 _Nov 2 09:41 pm_ **D:** Sorry! I wasn’t ignoring you, promise! :broken heart emoji: Had an emergency.  
>Also, worst comes to worst, if we’re unable to find you that stunning gorgeous blonde model for a date I am always available as a stand in. Parents love me.

 _Nov 2 09:45 pm_ **C:** I’ll keep that in mind. Hope everything went okay with the emergency. :(

 _Nov 2 09:46 pm_ **D:** Yeah all went good. Thankfully. Poor little tyke.

 _Nov 2 09:46 pm_ **C:** Are you doing okay?

 _Nov 2 09:55 pm_ **D:** Yeah.  
_09:56 pm_ >No one has ever asked if I’m alright afterward. You’re a good sort. Mind if I offer to buy you coffee sometime?

 _Nov 2 10:08 pm_ **C:** Free coffee? Fuck yeah!

 _Nov 2 10:10 pm_ **D:** You available Friday?

 _Nov 2 10:11 pm_ **C:** I have to work, but I get off at 5. Have you ever been to Whittier Café? **Would you like to see this location on Google Maps?**

 _Nov 2 10:17 pm_ **D:** I haven’t. Looks nice. I’m going to ‘hit the hay’ as you Yanks say. I’ll call you tomorrow on my lunch break, we can set a time then?

 _Nov 2 10:17 pm_ **C:** I’ll keep an eye on my phone. Sweet dreams!

 _Nov 2 10:18 pm_ **D:** You too. :)

 _Call received from_ **Dorian :clover leaf emoji:** _at 01:31 pm_  
 _Call ended at 02:18 pm_

 _Nov 5 08:00 am_ **C:** Good morning! I just wanted to say I really enjoyed the coffee and dinner last night.

 _Nov 5 08:46 am_ **D:** I was just thinking about you and lo and behold look at my phone :heart emoji: there you were! Last night was quite wonderful. Thank you for indulging me and coming out.

 _Nov 5 09:02 am_ **C:** Anytime! :) We just got in some artifacts loaned from the NW Pacific tribes to put on display! Stoked!

_img: a traditional ornamental head piece with intricate shell beading and brightly painted wooden beads :img_

_Nov 5 09:08 am_ **D:** Wow that came in just now?

 _Nov 5 09:10 am_ **C:** Yeah, pretty cool, huh?  
>I got to go, students just arrived. Call you later?

 _Nov 5 09:11 am_ **D:** I’ll await your call with bated breath, my shining knight.

 _Call sent to_ **Dorian :clover leaf emoji:** _at 06:58 pm_  
 _Call ended at 08:42 pm_

 _Nov 6 12:13 pm_ **D:** So when are we going to watch that movie? And is lasagna involved as well? You did mention you were quite good at making lasagna.

 _Nov 6 12:16 pm_ **C:** I’m free tonight if you are? And I guess I could go buy a Stouffer’s.

 _Nov 6 12:17 pm_ **D:** A Stouffer’s? You’re having me on, right?

 _Nov 6 12:17 pm_ **C:** :laughing emoji:

 _Nov 6 12:18 pm_ **D:** If I come over and you have anything other than a Marie Calendar’s I’m afraid this relationship is over.

 _Nov 6 12:21 pm_ **C:** Stouffer’s is clearly superior. Marie Calender’s is like picking Totino’s over DiGiorno.

 _Nov 6 12:22 pm_ **D:** You clearly have head trauma.

 _Nov 6 12:22 pm_ **C:** You are the nurse. Going to give me a physical later? ;)

 _Nov 6 12:23 pm_ **D:** Not if you try to feed me Stouffer’s lasagna! The evidence would be clear and you’ll need to be admitted. What time?

 _Nov 6 12:36 pm_ **C:** :laughing emoji: Be here around 7? My address is - -

 _Nov 6 02:09 pm_ **D:** I can’t wait!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dark secrets linger in corners, ready to fall at your feet when you least expect them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't going to get any happier. And my brain is having a hard time getting it out and onto paper.

The knock on the door startled Cullen as he cleaned up the kitchen from the mess of making the lasagna.

“Coming!” He called, wiping his hands on a towel before walking swiftly to the door. Heart hammering in his chest, Cullen took a deep breath. Held it. And opened the door to Dorian standing in the hallway in a dark navy blue peacoat, taupe mock turtleneck, and pair of well fitted grey slacks. The man’s hair was swept into a neat up do, and Cullen could swear there was just a faint amount of eyeliner rimming those stunning silver eyes.

The man looked far more prepared for a night to the theater than a night in Cullen’s lower end apartment to watch some silly rom-com and eat homemade lasagna.

“Ah! Hello. Sorry I’m late, I stopped to grab some wine. Figured it’d be the polite thing to do, and all.” Dorian said, smiling as Cullen stepped back and invited him inside. “This is a cute flat.” The man said, eyes darting around the sparsely decorated living quarters.

“It’s home. Honestly we don’t spend a lot of time here.” Cullen paused and rushed to the couch, grabbing a pair of dirty socks Alistair had just flung about anywhere that morning. “Uh, can I take your jacket?” He asked, quickly tossing the socks into the nearby closet.

Dorian chuckled and smiled as he removed his coat, handing it over to the tall blonde. “Thank you. Smells delicious in here.”

“Yeah. I... had hoped it’d be done before you got here so we could just... you know, sit down. But, uh, work ran a little later than expected. You brought wine?” Cullen said, motioning towards the green bottle in Dorian’s hand.

“Sav Blanc. You’re alright with white, I hope?”

“I prefer red but a good white is never a bad choice.” He said, quickly stepping into the small galley kitchen and opening an upper cupboard.

“I thought about a red, but it stains my teeth something awful.” Dorian set the bottle down on the counter and watched as Cullen shifted random glasses around in the cupboard before shutting the door and opening another.

“Shit. So... Uh.” He cleared his throat and reopened the first cupboard door. Inside was an assortment of glasses, cups, and mug. None, however, were wine glasses. In fact there were quite a few plastic cups, most from one fast food place or other. ‘Collector’s items’ as Alistair had claimed, unwilling to part with them. Cullen reached up and grabbed two actual glass drink ware. “Animaniacs, or Beauty and the Beast?” He asked, holding the two glasses out for Dorian’s examination.

“Are you joking?” Dorian asked, eyeing the glasses warily. “Those are like... From McDonalds?”

“Yeah...” Cullen grimaced and looked at the glasses in his grasp. “I think we have a Transformers one, too, if you’d prefer.” He looked back into the cupboard, biting his lip in concern.

The other man started snickering, hand covering his mouth as his shoulders shook with mirth. “How long have you been living together? And how long have either of you been without a woman around?”

Cullen’s cheeks turned hot and he tried a soft chuckle at the other’s amusement. “We did at one point have wine glasses, I swear! But I think they may have gotten lost when we moved back from Los Angeles.”

“And when was that?” Dorian asked, taking the glass with a faded dancing Belle and Beast on the side.

“Um. Two years ago?” Cullen shrugged. “In our defense, we bought these from the thrift store. In my personal defense, Alistair picked them.”

“Classy choices. I hope you at least have a wine opener?” Dorian asked.

Cullen opened a nearby drawer and pulled out a basic wine corkscrew, handing it over to Dorian. “The frat boy patina comes off pretty easily with a little spit and elbow grease, you know.” He said, watching as the dark haired man began the process of opening the bottle.

“Just a little spit?” The corners of Dorian’s lips quirked and grey eyes sparkled with amusement at the blonde man.

“Depends how deep you want to go, I guess.”

“Oh ho! I have no words with which to appropriately respond.” Cullen watched as the other’s ears turned a flushed red and the cork popped free of the bottle. The wine splashed golden into the glassware.

“Dinner shouldn’t be much longer.” Cullen motioned for the living room where are an oversized coffee colored sofa took up a majority of the room, in front of which was a small worn coffee table, and an empty television stand. In the corner was a small dining table with two chairs, plates and silverware set and waiting neatly for the two to eat.

“No television?” Dorian asked as he sat down on the edge of the couch. “How are we supposed to watch the film?”

“Um, we have television in our rooms. We used to have a really nice living room entertainment set but when the moving truck got into the accident... Well, we lost a lot of stuff. Big television with surround sound included. Saved the Xbox though! But it’s in Alistair’s room.” Cullen winked at Dorian, enjoying the way the other laughed at his commentary.

“So you invite me over to watch television but the only television you have is in your roommates bedroom? Am I putting this together correctly?”

“No! No, I have a T.V. in my room, but I can only cast from my phone onto it. If you wanted to play Call of Duty we’d have to steal the Xbox from Alistair.” Cullen explained.

“I see.” Dorian nodded slowly, lips pursing in a thoughtful expression as he looked at the blonde sitting next to him. “And how does this whole set up work for you usually? Like, forty percent success rate?”

Cullen laughed, leaning back slightly. “For me? Probably about twenty percent success. Works better for Alistair.”

“He does have the Xbox. It does make him a bit more appealing, I will admit.” Dorian frowned at Cullen cutely.

“Yeah that’s true.” Cullen looked down at his glass and swirled the wine.

They sat in slightly awkward silence for a minute, each unsure exactly what to talk about. Cullen wanted to ask the other so many things he wasn’t exactly sure where to start. He wanted to ask about London, and his family, he wanted to ask why someone as attractive as Dorian was single, he wanted to know more about the hospital, why choose to work in the NICU. And all the questions crashed together until he was unsure exactly how to even voice a single word. And it didn’t help that the other man sitting on the other side of the sofa was looking just as uncertain as he felt. Not in a ‘I need to get out of here’ way, more of a ‘please don’t let me fuck this up’ concerned way.

“So, we’ve actually been saving up to get one of those projectors.” Cullen finally said after the silence stretched to an uncomfortable length.

“Oh, yeah? They’ll let you have one here?” Dorian asked, looking around the apartment.

“What they don’t know won’t hurt them. And as long as we patch up any holes nobody would notice anyway.” Cullen sipped at the wine and smiled as the other eyed the ceiling. “You, uh, live nearby?”

“Yeah not far. Bit east of here.” 

“Any roommates?” Cullen asked, trying to keep the conversation going.

“No. No, thankfully. I lived with Evelyn and Tom for a bit, but moved out earlier this year after they decided to tie the knot. There was talk of trying to a baby, and I did not need to be around for that. The first time I came home to hear her shouting ‘Quick, Tom, I’m in the kitchen and ovulating!’ I knew it was time to cut my ties.”

Cullen leaned back further as he laughed. “Did she think you were Tom? Or was he already home?”

“No, she thought I was the lucky lad. And when I called back saying ‘Sorry, love, not tonight I have a headache’ let me just tell you I learned the true meaning of ‘hell hath no fury’.” Both men laughed at the image of Dorian cowering in fear at the slender woman’s wrath.

A loud beeping interrupted their conversation and Cullen stood up quickly, heading into the small kitchen. He pulled out the bubbling lasagna from the stove, Dorian following to watch the display.

“That doesn’t look store bought at all.” He commented of the small four by four glass dish.

“Well, technically, I bought all the ingredients from the store. So it could be argued it is actually a store bought lasagna.” Cullen said, gently placing the dinner on the stove top to allow it to cool. He turned around and opened the refrigerator, removing a bowl of freshly prepared salad and a bottle of dressing to toss the greens in.

“I am suitably impressed.” Dorian said, sipping at his wine as he watched the other man work at getting the dinner pulled together.

“It’s working, then?” Cullen asked, glancing from the corner of his eye at the other.

“Quite splendidly.”

“Yesss.” Cullen made a fist pumping action and earned a delightful laugh from his date. “Could you grab the plates from the table, please?”

Dorian set his wine glass down and did as he was asked. Dinner was quickly laid out, even a candle lit on the table top between them.

“First time I’ve ever had a candle lit dinner at someone’s house.” Dorian said, taking a small bite of his salad and watching as Cullen refilled their glasses from the bottle of wine.

“Really? You seem the kind of guy to get candle lit dinners a lot.” The blonde admitted, even as he settled into his chair and picked up his silverware.

“Hm. You’re a funny sort.” Dorian said, carefully slicing into his pasta.

“Am I wrong, then?” Cullen asked, glancing up through his lashes at the man sitting across from him. He himself hadn’t dated much, at least not recently. Especially since he was prone to sticking his foot in his mouth.

“My job doesn’t generally entail a lot of time for... Fraternization. Or at least it didn’t. I was lucky enough to wiggle my way into a daytime shift recently. No more dark hours of the night for me if I can help it.”

“Graveyard shifts, huh? Rough.” Cullen took another bite of the pasta, but was unable to take his eyes from the other man, watching as he delicately put another bite of lettuce into his mouth. He was entranced by the way those lips shimmered just slightly, the way a pink tongue would dance across them, jaw flexing as Dorian chewed.

“Not anymore. This is really delicious. Thank you for inviting me.” Dorian said, his eyes glimmering in the flickering candlelight as he made eye contact with Cullen. They watched each other quietly, carefully for a long pause before finally silver eyes flicked away to the glass of wine. Cullen’s heart pounded heavily in his chest, the pull of desire in his stomach, a flutter of giddy anticipation.

“Thank you for coming.” He mumbled, looking for his napkin and wiping at his mouth. A quick clearing of his throat and Cullen did his best to calm his racing pulse as he took a small drink of wine.

“So, where is Alistair, then?” Dorian asked, continuing his meal.

“At work. He probably won’t be back until late.” Cullen said, cutting into his pasta some more.

“And where does he work?”

“He bartends at the dive bar down the street. Makes pretty good money doing it. In the summer he works another job downtown. Almost makes more in a summer than I do all year.” Cullen shrugged slightly and took another bite of his dinner.

“Wow. He has the personality to be a great bartender.” Dorian nodded and sipped at his wine some more, studying Cullen’s face as he did so.

“It helps him forget. Also he meets a lot of women doing it. Not always top quality women, but I think until a certain point he doesn’t care.” Cullen chuckled softly and met Dorian’s gaze.

They both fell quiet, watching each other with soft smiles as they finished their meal. Cullen cleared the plates when they were finished. He waved the other man off when he offered to help clean up.

“You’re the guest. So... How was your day? Did you work?” Cullen asked as he wrapped the left overs with foil and placed them into the refrigerator.

“Was my day off. Had a lovely run through the park this morning, then did some laundry, and read a few pediatric medicine articles. Took a nap. Now I’m here.” Dorian shrugged, his lips stretched into a soft smile as he watched Cullen finish rinsing the plates and putting them into the dish washer.

“Sounds like a perfect day.”

“How was yours? You said you had to work?” Dorian accepted a top off on his wine and followed as Cullen ushered him down the hallway towards the bedrooms.

Cullen’s ears burned as the other man followed him to his room. “It was a good day. Spent it cataloguing items, gave a tour to a group of disabled adults. They’re always my favorite, they get so excited about everything. And no snarky little comments. Unlike highschool students.” Cullen held his door open, allowing Dorian to step into the cool dark bedroom. He flipped on a light, swallowing a lump of sudden anxious excitement that tightened his throat.

“Teenagers really are the worst, aren’t they?” Dorian said, even as he took in the bedroom. A large king sized bed pushed into a corner, neatly made. There was an old beat up brown dresser against the opposite wall, a small television perched on top. The walls were mostly bare, except for a few posters from the museum, and a small case with a handful of medals of valor next to a picture frame of Cullen and Alistair standing with a group of other soldiers all dressed in desert fatigues. Dorian bent over and glanced inside the shadow box of medals, looking them over with interest.

“Nothing cool, most of those are pretty basic. Everyone gets them eventually.” Cullen stated as he manually turned on the television, flipped off the overhead light, and then sat down on the bed, wiggling back to rest his back on the wall. He patted the bed next to him in invitation to the other, smiling as Dorian joined him.

“Do you think you’ve got a big enough bed?” Dorian asked as he crawled on his hands and knees across the large expanse of mattress.

“After you spend time sleeping in holes dug in the sand or on those tiny cots you crave the comforts civilians take for granted.” Cullen answered, flipping through a video app on his phone. “You’ve really never seen this movie? Jim Carrey is classic.” He said, selecting ‘Yes, Man’ from the menu.

“Can’t say I have. I’m not a huge romantic film connoisseur.” Dorian admitted as he settled against the wall near Cullen. They weren’t touching, but close enough they could feel the warmth from each other.

“That’s fair.” Cullen murmured, hitting play.

The movie was farthest thing from his mind, however. He couldn’t stop thinking about the warmth radiating from the other man, the smell of his cologne. His eyes kept glancing to the side to look at the other’s long, slender legs. He knew how they looked, knew they were well toned and perfectly formed. God help him, he wanted to know how soft the other’s skin was.

After a few tense minutes, both men pretending to watch a film neither were really interested in, Cullen cleared his throat and shifted just slightly closer to Dorian. Their hips bumped, thighs brushed, shoulders touching.

“Uh...” He stopped, arm lifted just slightly in a motion to wrap around the other man’s waist. “C-C-Care to cuddle?” He asked, a blush flaming his cheeks bright red, ears near burning off in sudden embarrassment.

“Cuddle?” Dorian asked, his own voice quavering just slightly as he glanced at Cullen from the corner of his eye. “I can’t say I’m adverse to the idea.” There was a slight hitch in his breath as the blonde’s arm continued to slip behind him, hand coming to rest gently upon his hip.

Cullen felt like a teenager himself just then. All his bravado and teasing flirtations from earlier falling flat as his heart rammed against his ribs, making him feel like a hesitant adolescent boy again. And as his heart continued to flutter, pulse pounding in his throat, he felt a strange giddiness he hadn’t felt in such a long time he wondered if this was what it was to truly _like_ someone.

Dorian’s head tilted and rested against his shoulder and Cullen’s lips stretched into a smile. Best. Date. Ever.

The movie barely peaked his interest, so wrapped in the feel of the other’s weight and warmth against his side. Gently, Cullen settled his cheek against the man’s head. His thumb rubbed against Dorian’s side, accidentally slipping under the other’s shirt and running along the soft, warm skin of his waist.

Both men froze at the sudden unexpected touch, bodies going tense. Cullen licked his lips nervously and gently pulled the shirt back down.

“Sorry.” He mumbled.

Dorian’s head lifted from his shoulder, turning to look directly at the blonde. They gazed at each other for what felt a millennia. Time drawing out, the flicker of the T.V casting a pale glow between them.

Haltingly, Cullen tilted closer, his eyes sliding shut with every centimeter they drew together. Breath swirled between them, warming the air with a pleasant expectation.

“Hey, Cullen?” Alistair called, the front door slamming shut. The sound of his footsteps hurried down the hall and stopped in front of the bedroom doorway. “Cullen, I need you - oh... Uh...”

Both men jerked away from each other in surprise, Cullen blinking widely at the red head standing in the hall. “Alistair, what’s up?” He asked, voice shaking with the thrum of his heartbeat. He pulled his arm out from behind Dorian, sitting up straight.

“I... You didn’t tell me there was... N-Never mind.” The man turned, walking away from the doorway, hands wringing fretfully in front of him.

“Hey, Alistair. What’s wrong, you okay?” Cullen pushed himself off the bed and followed his roommate to the kitchen where the man was getting a large cup of water.

“You didn’t tell me there was going to be someone here.” Alistair muttered, hands shaking visibly as he lifted the cup to his lips to take a sip.

“Sorry, I hadn’t expected you home for awhile. Are you okay?” Concern tinged his voice as he stepped closer to his friend.

“No, I’m not. I feel... It’s happening again, like the world is just... I can’t breathe, man. Can you just... Make him leave? Why is he even here! You didn’t say you were inviting anyone over.” Alistair hissed quietly, his breath hitched and hiccuped as he took another long drink of water.

“Okay. Okay. I’ll... I’ll send him home, okay? Then we can talk about it.” Cullen stepped forward, reaching for the other man and setting his hands on his shoulders.

“Okay. Okay...” Alistair’s breath came in sharp, sobbing gasps.

“Deep breaths, Al. It’s going to be alright. I’ll be right back, okay?” Cullen patted his shoulders and then stepped away, quickly walking down the hall back to his room. He stopped in the doorway, leaning against the doorjamb and looked at Dorian perched on the edge of the bed. “Hey... Um... So....” He rubbed at the back of his head, unable to meet that grey gaze.

“Okay.” Dorian drawled out, picking his shoes up from where he’d dropped them at the side of the bed. 

“I’m sorry. Rain check?” Cullen asked, biting his lip in concern.

“Sure. Yeah.” There was a slight bewildered lilt in the man’s voice.

“Hey, I’m sorry. It’s not... Look there’s things that just... I’ll call you, okay?” Cullen said, stepping back as Dorian brushed past.

“Sure. No problem. Hey, Alistair.” Dorian nodded towards the man still standing in the kitchen.

“Hey.” The red head mumbled, hands clutching the edge of the sink. Those brown were shut tight.

Cullen gathered Dorian’s coat from the closet and handed it to him. “I’ll call you.” He mumbled as the other stepped out of the apartment.

“Okay. Um... Sure.” Dorian’s eyebrows were pulled down, a confused furrow in his brow. The man pulled his coat on, digging into his pocket for his phone to call for a ride home.

“Hey...” Cullen reached over and pulled on the other’s coat sleeve, tugging him close and pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Text when you get home safe, okay?”

“Yeah.” Dorian turned his head away from Cullen. “Goodnight.” He muttered, turning and quickly walking away down the hall of the apartment building to the exit.

_Nov 7 09:24 am_ **C:** I’m sorry about last night.

 _Nov 7 12:47 pm_ **D:** It’s fine.

 _Nov 7 12:48 pm_ **C:** Are you mad?

 _Nov 7 12:50 pm_ **D:** Um. More confused than angry.

 _Nov 7 12:51 pm_ **C:** Are you free to get coffee?

 _Nov 7 02:17 pm_ **D:** Yes. But you’re buying this time.

 _Nov 7 02:19 pm_ **C:** That’s fair. Meet me at the Starbucks on 3rd Ave at 3?

 _Nov 7 02:31 pm_ **D:** K.

Cullen checked his phone again. 3:21 blinked up at him. He tapped the bottom of his paper cup against the table top, glancing around the busy coffee shop for any sign of Dorian.

At 3:35, Cullen was certain the man wasn’t going to show up. Slowly Cullen stood up, pulling his car keys from his jacket pocket. He was glancing around for a trash can when Dorian walked over from the counter to stand in front of him.

“Sorry, getting an Uber was a pain in the ass.” The man said, cheeks flushed from the cold air, his hands clutched around a large white cup.

“Oh. I... I thought you... Um. Hey.” Cullen smiled at him and tucked his keys back into his pocket, holding his hand out towards the other man.

Dorian stared at his hand, one eyebrow cocked upwards. “Really?”

“Um.” Cullen felt the color drain from his face and he slowly took his hand back, sticking it into his jean pocket. But before he could get too uncomfortable, Dorian stepped forward and slipped his arms around his waist, hugging his briefly.

The other stepped away, taking a seat across the table from him. “The best part of this time of year? Pumpkin spice lattes.” He lifted his cup and sipped from the spiced drink. “Delightful.”

Cullen slowly sat back down, smiling cautiously at the other. “Yeah... I didn’t think you were going to show up.” He admitted, picking at his cup nervously.

Dorian didn’t say anything, his grey eyes focused on a couple kissing on the other side of the café. “Well, I did.” He finally said, eyes flicking back to look at Cullen’s face.

“Yeah... Um... So...” Cullen puffed his cheeks out and let out a long breath. “So, Alistair-”

“Look. You can stop right there. I’ve been here, on this side of the table, before. You’re going to tell me ‘it’s nothing, we’re just friends’ and continue to try to get into my pants. And knowing my own personal choices in the past, I have the penchant to let you. But, you know, I’m going to be honest. I really thought you might be different. I really, _really_ hoped you were going to be different.” Dorian’s face was flushed, his fingers pulling the brown heat sleeve of his drink apart.

“What?” Cullen muttered, eyes searching the man’s face. “That isn’t... What are you talking about?”

“I’m not going to be your side piece. I’m too fucking old for these stupid games. Just be honest with me up front.” Dorian stated firmly, looking up and locking eyes with Cullen.

“Oh.” Cullen looked down at the table. His whole body was numb as he tried to gather his thoughts. “Okay. Uh, well, that’s completely the wrong direction you took this whole situation.”

“This should be good.” Dorian sniped.

“Alistair... Alright, so. He suffers from pretty severe PTSD. And occasionally he suffers from panic attacks, anxiety, depression. God...” Cullen rubbed his face and groaned. “He was taking a new pill, it was helping. He hadn’t had an attack like that in almost a year. I really hoped... I really hoped maybe it was getting better.” A shuddering sigh escaped the blonde and he tilted the last of his cold coffee into his mouth.

Dorian stared at him with wide eyes, mouth a pinched line.

“I’m sorry, but he will always take priority. Always.” Cullen shrugged, frowning at Dorian as the other man shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “I’m sorry for last night. Really. Honestly, I wanted nothing more than to just watch that stupid movie and kiss you and spend the night with you and then make your favorite eggs in the morning. All that stupid sappy shit. But he will _always_ come first. So. There it is.” He couldn’t meet the other’s gaze, the bottom of his cup scraping against the table top as he nervously twisted it back and forth.

The gentle murmur of conversation in the café buzzed around them. The silence between them was heavy and it crawled over Cullen’s skin. He felt fear grow sick in his stomach as neither broke the awkwardness of the moment. He stood up, mumbling about getting another drink. The cashier watched him approach, the sad look in her eyes belying her cheerful greeting. He wondered if she had heard their conversation. And if she had, who else had been eaves dropping in on matters that did not concern them.

“Just another black coffee, please.” Cullen handed his cup over, waiting as she refilled it and handed it back, taking the dollar bill and change from his hand in payment.

“Why didn’t you say anything before?” Dorian asked, his brow creased in what Cullen could only assumed anger as he retook his seat at the table.

“Honestly, I had hoped to not have this conversation until much later. If ever.” He said, blowing at the piping hot coffee.

Dorian looked at his torn paper heat sleeve contemplatively. “I see.” He muttered. “Well. I feel rather sheepish.” The man admitted, tearing the torn paper into even smaller pieces.

“Don’t. It’s complicated... And why I haven’t.... dated in a really long time.”

“Is that the only reason?” Dorian asked, looking up at Cullen with a soft smile.

“Well,” Cullen snorted and grinned lopsidedly. “No. I also have ridiculously high standards.”

“Not terribly high, as you’re here with me.” Dorian said, meeting his gaze.

“You are definitely out of my league. Like, I’m in college baseball, but you’re... Professional major league.”

“I’m honored you think I would play major league baseball.” Dorian said, leaning back in his seat, somewhat returned to his cocky self. “I’m sorry, by the way. For coming in like an asshole and... Well. I should have given you the benefit of the doubt.”

“What else were you supposed to think?” Cullen smiled shyly at the other man. “Thanks for coming to hear me out at least.”

“Well, I still haven’t seen the end of that movie, and I’m curious to know what happens.” Dorian smiled back, his fingers moving restlessly over his cup.

Cullen cleared his throat and shifted a little in his seat. “I have some time later this week.” He suggested, his teeth worrying at the back of his lips.

“Pick up where we left off?” Dorian asked, a hopeful uplift in his tone.

“Yeah. Maybe we can order take out?”

“I’d like that.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A second attempt at their interrupted date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm having second thoughts about how this story should go. It was going to go really sad (like... suicide sad) but now I'm like.... Do I want to? Does anyone even want that? I love fluff. It makes me happy.
> 
> Also someone said the story triggered them and now I'm also like should I even keep it up? If it triggers people? :( Mmmnng
> 
> Anyway this is a smutty fluff chapter for now. :/

Cullen adjusted the collar of his shirt and cleared his throat as he listened to the director speaking at the front of the room. The woman was speaking of different exhibits to be moved through the museum next year. It was hot in the room, and Cullen adjusted in his seat, trying to get some cool air between his legs.

His phone vibrated in his pocket against his thigh and he jumped, startled by the sudden reverberation. His coworker glanced sideways at him but turned his attention back when the director began speaking about the popular Egyptian exhibit being loaned in late August. Slowly, Cullen reached into his pocket and took his phone out, glancing at the screen under the table top.

 _Nov 12 03:17pm_ **D:** Looking forward to tonight! :winking kiss emoji:

A smile creeped its way over his face and he tucked the phone back into his pocket, once more turning his attention back to the director at the front of room. He ignored the curious glance from his coworker as he once more adjusted the collar of his shirt, finally giving up and unbuttoning the top two buttons of his shirt.

The meeting ended two hours later, everyone given their respective duties in preparation for the year to come. He was in charge of the Native American and Pacific Asian exhibits for another year. Not as popular as the dinosaur exhibits or the Ancient Egyptians but he preferred them. His phone vibrated again and he pulled it out, glancing at the screen as he walked through the halls of the museum towards the employee parking lot.

 _Nov 12 05:23 pm_ **A:** Hey ur boy toy is cumming over 2nite?

Cullen rolled his eyes and shook his head as he opened the text.

 _Nov 12 05:24 pm_ **C:** Yeah. I thought you told me you were spending the night at Isabella’s?

He unlocked the door of his older model Jeep, groaning as he threw his shoulder bag into the passenger seat. As he slid the key into the ignition his phone vibrated again.

 _Nov 12 05:28 pm_ **A:** O cool. Ya I won’t b ther no worries. Is he staying all nite?

 _Nov 12 05:29 pm_ **C:** I ain’t kicking him out if he wants to stay.

 _Nov 12 05:30 pm_ **A:** Git it! Super Smash Bro’s 4 lyf!

Cullen laughed loudly and rubbed his hand over his face in embarrassment at the pornographic picture of Mario and Peach that Alistair sent with his last text.

 _Nov 12 05:33 pm_ **C:** Make lots of money tonight, man. I’ll see you tomorrow.

 _Nov 12 05:34 pm_ **A:** Wrap it b4 u tap it big guy!

“Fucking ridiculous.” Cullen muttered, his lips pulled back into a grin, as he revved up the engine and pulled out of the parking lot.

Promptly at eight o’clock there was a loud knock on the front door. Cullen wiped his hands on the kitchen towel and walked over to the door, opening it up to see Dorian standing in a slightly more casual dress than the first time he’d invited the man over.

“Hello.” Dorian greeted, smiling as Cullen stepped back to invite him into the apartment.

“Hey. So I hope you aren’t allergic to anything.” He said as he ushered Dorian into the kitchen. “I, uh, thought we could make our own take out, you know? So... Pizza?” He said, trying a small grin as he showed Dorian the pizza making station he’d set up in the small galley kitchen.

Dorian eyed the assortment of vegetables, pepperoni, and cheese laid out to be put on the two small pre-made crusts ready for creation.

“This is...”

“You hate it. You don’t like pizza, I should have asked before doing it. We can order Chinese, or something. It’s fine, Alistair will eat all this later.” Cullen puffed his cheeks out as he surveyed the laid out food.

“What? I love pizza. I just... Have never had anyone put this much thought into a date. It’s nice.” Dorian smiled, his hand wrapping around Cullen’s own that had reached to begin putting the ingredients away.

“Really?” Cullen asked, eyeing the other sideways.

“Sure. I’ve been taken out to expensive restaurants, driven around in a Ferrari before, but never has it ever been anything more than posturing, you know? This is nice. This is really nice.” Dorian’s face was glowing as he smiled at the blonde.

“Oh... I... Sorry, I’m not really... you know... Mr. Moneybags.” He felt extremely underwhelming just then.

Dorian shrugged. “Okay? I’m not here for your money. I make plenty of my own.” Grey eyes examined Cullen carefully for a moment.

“Well... That’s good. Um... Sorry. My last relationship was, uh...” He snorted softly, rubbing the back of his head. “Anyway, let’s make some pizza and watch movies.”

They put together their dinner, laughing as they both made silly faces with sliced onions and bell pepper rings. Dorian was nibbling on one piece of pepper, the end hanging from his mouth and Cullen leaned over, biting the other that hung from the dark haired man’s lips. He clipped it short, just shy of touching his lips to Dorian’s own.

“Tease.” Dorian mumbled, his cheeks red.

Cullen chuckled in satisfaction as he grabbed the pizzas and put them into the oven. “So. What shall we watch? Can get it set up while those cook.”

They headed down the hallway towards Cullen’s room. His heart pounded in his chest as they stepped into his bedroom again.

“We’re going to eat in bed? What about the crumbs?” Dorian asked, even as he flopped back onto the mattress spread eagle.

“You can eat crackers in my bed anytime.” Cullen mumbled as he switched on the television.

“What was that?” Dorian asked, propping himself onto his elbows.

“Ah, I said, we’ll just dust the crumbs to the floor.” He shot a smile over towards the lounging man as he flipped open his phone and turned on the video application.

“Uh huh. Right, well. Are we going to finish that movie?” Dorian asked as Cullen sat on the bed next to him.

“Do you want to keep watching it? I... wasn’t really paying attention last time.” He admitted, flipping through the myriad of movie and television show choices.

“Honestly, I wasn’t either.” The bronze skinned man said. “I’m feeling more of a comedy tonight. My coworkers are all about the show Schitt’s Creek. Have you seen it?” Dorian asked as he sat up and moved to settle just next to Cullen.

“I’ve watched some of it. It’s pretty funny. You want to watch it?” The blonde asked.

“Sure. Why not? I’m always game for a good laugh.”

They smiled at each other and Cullen selected the comedic television show. A loud blaring beep came from the kitchen and he stood up as the opening credits began.

“Be right back. Do you want a drink? Water? Beer?”

“Whatever you think is suitable.” Dorian said, as he perched delicately on the edge of the bed.

He returned with the hot pizza, cut into neat slices and two light generic beer cans. They settled onto the bed, leaning back against the wall to watch the television and eat. It was comfortable, simple. And Cullen had to admit that he hadn’t felt so excited to be with someone as he was just then. The feel of the other’s warm body, the scent of his cologne, the soft snorting laugh the man would make at any ridiculous commentary made by the show characters.

They finished their dinner with surprisingly little crumb dust. Cullen took the plates back to the kitchen. When he returned to his spot on the bed next to Dorian, the raven haired man moved close, his shoulder resting comfortably against the blonde’s.

Cullen’s heart leapt in his throat, his breath catching in his chest. He was once more drawn from the television to the man beside him, unable to concentrate on the show any more than he had been able to the movie. Dorian seemed more interested in the current selection than he had the previous one, chortling gleefully as the displaced family got into more shenanigans in their new residence.

He slipped his arm around the other’s waist after a moment, drawing Dorian’s attention to him. The two men watched each other quietly for a few moments, once more bathed in the soft glow of the screen. But this time it was Dorian that made the first move, his head tilting to the side as he shifted just enough to press his lips so, so softly against Cullen’s own.

Sparking electric tingles danced down Cullen’s spine. His skin prickled along his arms as he slowly brought his second hand to rest upon Dorian’s thigh, his other hand resting against the man’s slender waist.

The kiss was slow and cautious, lips barely brushing, a whisper of a touch. As if both were afraid to truly commit, as if they knew that as soon as they did it would spiral into something more, something they could not control. And neither was prepared to take that step. And yet both wanted nothing more than to jump in with their whole being.

A shudder ran through Dorian’s body as Cullen’s hand cupped around his lower thigh, pulling them ever so slightly closer together. The shiver emboldened Cullen and he took that finally leap for them both, lips parting just a little as he pressed into the kiss, fully immersing them into each other.

A small whine escaped his date and it made his own body quiver in excitement as he dared to suckle on the other’s lower lip, barely grazing the soft skin with his teeth. The whine turned to a soft sigh of pleasure from Dorian as their tentative kiss became more certain.

Soft hands slithered their way under Cullen’s shirt, pressing cool against his waist. Stunned by intrusion, he pulled away just slightly to look into hooded darkened grey eyes. But instead of being abashed at his forwardness, Dorian just leaned in and pressed his mouth again to Cullen’s own.

This time the kiss was anything but tentative. Tongues slid together, the kiss breathless and open mouthed. The two men allowed hands to slide under clothes and along warm skin, teasing fingertips against ribs, palms brushing over bellies. Cullen could feel Dorian’s heart hammer against the man’s ribs as he ran his hand daringly over the other’s pectoral. He earned a shiver and sighing moan when he ever so carefully let his fingers tease the man’s nipple. Ever so gently he shifted on the bed to push the other down on his back. One of Dorian’s hands found it’s way into his hair as Cullen settled between his thighs.

His lips found their way from Dorian’s mouth to press warm against his cheek and jaw, tongue tracing ever so gently along the sharp angle of the man’s jawline to his ear where he pressed more soft, damp kisses.

Dorian’s hips rolled upwards with a firm press of an erection against Cullen’s hip. Their hearts pounded rhythmically between them, nearly in sync. Hands wandered further than under shirts, moving through hair and over jeans. Cullen dared allow one hand to slip ever so slightly beneath Dorian’s waistband, pausing only momentarily until another upwards thrust of the other’s hips encouraged him further.

When his fingertips brushed through neatly groomed pubic hair, he stopped and pulled back from where his lips suckled upon a pulse point. “Should we... We should probably stop.” He whispered, breath loud and heavy over the sound of the television in the background.

“Do you want to stop? Because it doesn’t feel like you do?” Dorian hissed, his hips rocking again.

“I don’t want to do anything... You don’t want to.” And it was true. He didn’t want to make Dorian feel pressured into something he wasn’t ready for. If the other wanted to stop, Cullen would. He would sit back, drink another beer and watch more Schitt’s Creek.

Dorian paused to contemplate him then. Grey eyes wandering over his face, locking with and searching his own in the darkened room. A soft inhale of breath as if he were about to speak, but followed by a heavy silence.

Slowly Cullen pulled his hand from Dorian’s pants, resting on his forearms on either side of the other’s head. “It’s okay. Seriously.” And suddenly Cullen wondered if it was for Dorian he pulled away or if it was for himself. There was something about the man beneath him that made him want to draw it out. To take it slow so he could memorize everything about the man. So he could remember the sound of his laugh, the taste of his kiss, the feel of his heart beat, the brush of his fingers. He wanted, surprisingly, so much more than just a quick fuck.

“I, uhm.” His date glanced to the side at the wall, his fingers picking at Cullen’s shirt. “Do _you_ not want to?” There was a pinch of concern on Dorian’s brow, and Cullen reached his hand up to very gently brush his fingers over the other’s cheek. “How about some heavy petting then? Because, God help me, you’re driving me insane.”

Cullen snorted in amusement, pressing his forehead against Dorian’s own. “I’ve been told that even for an amateur I’m pretty good with my mouth.”

“The things you say.” Dorian panted, tilting his face and catching Cullen’s mouth in another kiss.

Hands once more wove beneath clothing and over skin. Cullen’s own fingers mussed the perfectly coifed black hair upon Dorian’s head, nails raking ever so gently across the other’s scalp and earning a full body shudder from the other.

He pulled away a bit, hands pulling at the bottom of the other’s shirt, even as Dorian tugged at the bottom of his. They shared a breathless laugh as eventually they were able to remove the clothing after a few moments of fumbling. Arms wrapped around his neck and pulled him back down for another kiss. Fingers found their way to buttons on waistbands and jeans were kicked unceremoniously to the side. Only thin cotton underwear was between them as hips rocked fervently together, heat pooling between them with the friction.

Cullen moved away from Dorian’s eager mouth to once more press kisses against his neck, following the musculature down to his shoulder and across his collar bone. Fingers flicked against hardened nipples, a shudder wracking through the bronze body as Cullen kissed his way down along the centerline of the man’s abdomen.

The pair of snug black underwear covering Dorian’s hips was quickly removed and Cullen ran the flat of his tongue where thigh met hip on the man, earning a low guttural moan. He smelled of clean soap and male musk. His own erection throbbed against the mattress and Cullen thrust against the softness of his comforter as he ever so carefully ran his fingers over bronze skin, lips pressing delicately against the interior of Dorian’s thigh.

Hooded grey eyes gazed down the long, toned torso to watch as Cullen kissed down thighs to the knee and back up again to the other’s groin, where he slid his tongue along the throbbing vein on the underside of Dorian’s erection. The man beneath him gasped and moaned delightfully in response. So Cullen did it again, stopping to tease where shaft met head.

“Oh God.” Dorian’s body quaked and shuddered causing the bed to quiver beneath them.

He teased the other with tongue and fingers, not taking the swollen member fully into his mouth, fingers only gently grazing along the space between his legs. Simpering moans turned into gasping pleas.

“If you don’t stop teasing me...” Dorian warned.

“Then what?” Cullen asked, grinning in amusement even as he rocked his own hips down again against the mattress top.

“I’m going to have to take things into my own hands and bloody fuck you senseless.”

The intensity behind Dorian’s warning sent shivers of excitement over Cullen’s skin and he suckled at the tip of the throbbing erection, his eyes never leaving the other’s grey eyes. Desire burned like hot coals in his stomach, and ran through his limbs like lightning strikes. Slowly he let his mouth slide down the other’s length until he couldn’t fit any more into his mouth without hitting his gag reflex. The rest was enclosed with his hand and with both he began an even, steady tempo. His reward was loud praise and gutteral groans from his new lover.

“Oh, God. You’re so fucking hot, holy fuck, don’t stop, yesyesyes! Better than I imagined, o~oh fuck.” Fingers moved through his hair, gripping at the delicate strands and _pulling_ deliciously before _pushing_ him back down. Dorian’s hips shifted and thrust up against his face and Cullen had to pull away, taking a breath and calming the triggered gag reflex. Licking his lips he groaned as his hips wiggled impatiently against the comforter seeking any relief of his own. “C’mon then, bring it here.” Dorian said, shifting on the bed to move so they were opposite each other.

Cullen’s boxers were quickly removed and warm kisses placed upon his throbbing desire. He watched, entranced as the upside-down Dorian swallowed him straight to the root, throat flexing tight and wet around him.

“O~oh fu~uck.” He moaned, his cheek resting against his bicep as his hand weakly gripped Dorian’s cock.

A soft pop and the other looked up at him. “Well, don’t stop.” Dorian said, his voice husky and low.

They both returned to each other, mouths working, throats flexing. The room was filled with the sounds of moans and groans as they both worked each other to the edge. And over.

“I’m coming!” He warned, teeth gritted tightly as Dorian hummed low around him, sending prickling heat through every limb. The dark haired man moved away just in time, catching his release in his palm and working it over the throbbing member, earning wracking shudders from the blonde.

After a moment to gather himself Cullen returned to Dorian. The blissful headiness of post orgasm renewed his efforts and the way the darker skinned man gasped and moaned, writhing on the bed beside him urged him on. Hot, salty semen filled his mouth and he pulled back in surprise just as another sticky strand splashed across his cheek.

“Oh, God, I’m sorry!” Dorian whined after he caught his breath.

Cullen stood from the bed, spitting into his hand. “Mmt’s fmine.” He muttered as he walked out of the room and to the bathroom across the hallway. Where he promptly rinsed his mouth out and cleaned his face. But the accidental mouthful of cum didn’t dampen the grin that stretched his lips in amusement.

“I’m really sorry. I should have said something... It was just... I...” Dorian stood at the doorway, watching Cullen carefully as he finished drying his face.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m not mad. It was just... A surprise is all.” He couldn’t help his amused chuckle as he stepped back to allow Dorian to use the sink. Both men grinned at each other as they stood together nude in the small bathroom.

“Well, I’m still sorry. Nothing worse than a mouthful of spunk and no warning.”

Cullen laughed, his cheeks pink with both post-orgasm bliss and amused embarrassment at the situation. They finished cleaning up and headed back into the bedroom where Cullen pulled back the comforter and slid in, patting the be beside him for Dorian to tuck in beside him.

Netflix blinked ‘Are you still watching’ at them and he grabbed his phone from where it’d been discarded and selecting ‘Yes’. He smiled as Dorian pressed back against him, his shoulder blades warm against Cullen’s chest. One of the blonde’s legs draped over Dorian’s own, his arms sliding beneath the other and pulling him close.

“Hopefully you weren’t too disappointed.” He whispered, lips brushing against the soft shell of the man’s ear.

A gentle shiver coursed through the bronze skinned man. “Not even the slightest. Although, next time I think I’m going to ask for more.”

Cullen chuckled and kissed just behind that perfectly formed ear before settling in to watch more television with a man he was quite certain he could spend a long, long time happily with.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our pasts are what make us. But it is our actions that shape us.

Dorian woke to a firm press of Cullen’s erection sliding along his ass. Warm arms wrapped tightly around his ribs, holding him close to the slumbering blonde. His own throbbing excitement tenting the sheets. _Decisions, decisions._ He thought, grinning with wicked intent as he pressed back against that hard length. A soft, sleepy moan brushed through his hair as Cullen’s arms slipped from his chest to his waist, pulling him even tighter against the sleeping man.

He dared to take hold of one of those hands, slowly dragging it to his groin where he wrapped cool fingers around himself. There was a shocked gasp from his sleeping counterpart and Dorian groaned softly, pressing back again.

“Mmn... Morning...” Cullen croaked, even as his hand completely encompassed Dorian’s erection, stroking ever so softly along the hardened shaft. Warm breath brushed over his ear and sent shivers down his spine in excitement.

He rubbed against his lover, back arched, trying to ease the aching desire to have Cullen _inside_ him as best he could. But the increasingly greedy thrusts made against his backside only fueled his desire and Dorian rolled over and on top of the blonde. They fumbled briefly before lips found each other and mashed together clumsily.

“I had such a wonderful dream, you know.” Dorian huffed as he pressed warm kisses down Cullen’s cheek to his neck, where he suckled on the soft skin hungrily. “But it left me rather unsatisfied.” He grunted and pressed his hips down against the firm, warm body beneath him.

Cullen groaned as his hands wandered deliciously over Dorian’s back and through his hair.

“I want you.” Dorian hissed against Cullen’s ear. A muffled moan escaped the blonde below him as they rocked together fervently. “Please, please.” He whined against soft wavy locks.

“Mm, in the night stand.” Cullen murmured sleepily, even as his lips suckled at the jut of Dorian’s collar bone.

Quickly Dorian fumbled the drawer open and pulled out a box of condoms and lube. Their hips continued to roll together in unison, drawing soft moans from the two men and heating the air with their exertion. With practiced ease he was able to tear one foil package carefully open with his teeth and remove the small round rubber. Cullen’s large hands were grabbing at his backside, pulling him up along the man’s solid abdomen before pulling him back down where the firm press of his cock against entrance earned a shuddering moan.

Desire made his head swim, gasping like he was out of breath. Sleep was steadily blinked away from his counterpart’s eyes as the rubber condom was pulled over his thick member.

“Are you sure?” Cullen asked huskily, his fingers finding their way between his ass cheeks and toying with his entrance.

“God, yes. Morning sex is my favorite. Followed shortly by car sex, and bocce ball a close third.” He murmured as he kissed his way down the man’s chest.

A pleasant laugh rumbled from his lover and a warm blush flushed across his cheeks. Their mouths found each other again and the lube was taken from Dorian’s hand, slick fingers finding their way to his entrance eagerly as they kissed. They kissed as if they could consume each other, revealing in the way the other felt, the way they tasted. As if they could never get enough and would never part again. As though they could meld together within the kiss and become one.

“It’s good, it’s fine, please just fuck me already.” Dorian stated after a few minutes of slightly awkward fumbling from Cullen.

He lay below Dorian, staring up with hooded honey brown eyes. Hands were wandering over his skin, warm and inviting, leaving shivering prickles in their wake.

“You’re so beautiful.” Cullen murmured, a hitch in his breath as Dorian began to lower onto him. “You are really fucking beautiful.” A low moan escaped, trembling through the cool air of the room as they came together fully.

Dorian sat perched on top of the other, hands spread wide across Cullen’s chest, feeling the heavy pounding heartbeat and heaving gasping breaths shuddering through him. “As are you, love.” He whispered. He was unable to pull his gaze from those lust darkened brown eyes and ever so carefully so he would not break their connection, he began to slowly rock his hips back and forth.

With every firm thrust Cullen’s cock brushed _oh so wonderfully_ over his prostate. Eyes slid shut and his head fell backwards as his careful ministrations became greedier. He could feel hands wandering over his waist and chest, fingers delightfully brushing over his sensitive flesh as he rode Cullen with utter abandon.

The bed creaked loudly as it bounced against the walls. Dorian loudly praising the blonde’s physique, crying out in pleasure as he was flipped to his back and his legs lifted over strong broad shoulders.

They came together swiftly, Dorian’s seed spilling warm between their bellies as Cullen grunted and came inside him. A heavy weight settled on him and he wrapped his limbs around the sweating, huffing mass of man laying on top of him.

“Rather sticky.” He mumbled after a moment and they’d both caught their breath. A soft huffing laugh exhaled against his shoulder and Cullen pulled away, carefully pulling free of his body.

“Shower then breakfast?” Cullen asked as he leaned over, pressing a soft kiss to Dorian’s mouth as he removed the used condom.

“If you aren’t careful, I’m afraid you’ll never be able to rid yourself of me.” Dorian warned as he stood from the bed and followed after the tall blonde to the bathroom across the hallway.

“Think I’m okay with that.” Cullen chuckled in response.

They took a languid shower, hands wandering over each other’s soap slippery skin, shared kisses messy beneath the warm running water. When they exited the bathroom, Cullen was quick to slap a firm smack against his rear, earning a surprised squawk. They dried and dressed (not without a few groping touches) and made their way to the kitchen.

Cullen began a pot of coffee and some eggs and bacon, a soft smile on his face as Dorian leaned against the counter next to him, watching breakfast being prepared.

“There’s supposed to be a new brewery nearby, a few coworkers are going for the opening party. You want to come?” Cullen asked as he flipped the sizzling pork product onto a piece of paper towel to drain.

“Ugh, don’t mention beer. My head is killing me.” Alistair whined as he sleepily waddled into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator door.

Both Dorian and Cullen stood staring at the surprise visitor, blinking widely.

“Uh... I thought you were... Staying the night at Isabella’s house... Alistair?” Cullen asked.

“Yeah, she kicked me out after the third round. Apparently some show is starting at the Fillmore and she was called to help put the lighting up so she had to ‘get some sleep’ or something. Pft.” Alistair pulled a cardboard carton of orange juice from the fridge and opened it up, putting the spout to his mouth and drinking straight from the carton.

“Gross. Use a glass, you heathen.” Cullen admonished as he gently stirred around some scrambled eggs in a pan.

“Hey. You guys wake me up at this ungodly hour of the morning with your loud sex sounds and I can drink from the carton.” Alistair replied, taking another long guzzle of the juice.

Dorian glanced away, cheeks hot with embarrassment as he remembered just how much he _hadn’t_ held back his cries of ecstacy.

“You weren’t even supposed to be here!” Cullen cried in dismay, his own face bright red.

“‘Oooh, Cullen!’” Alistair cried, humping wildly against the edge of the refrigerator, orange juice carton spilling as he slammed against the appliance. “Oh, yes, yes, yes!”

“Oh God...” Dorian muttered, trying not to die from shame.

“Fuck off, Alistair!” Cullen shouted.

Alistair grinned at them both, chortling softly as he dodged a swipe from his roommate. “Hey, man. Good for you guys! Just, uh, next time turn it down like... a hundred decibels.” He turned and headed back down the hall towards his bedroom, sipping at the carton of juice as he went. “I’m going back to bed, lovebirds. Keep the noise down, Uncle Al is trying to sleep.”

The room fell quiet after the red head’s departure and Cullen scooped the cooked eggs out onto two plates. Dorian watched him closely, a smirk slowly quirking the edge of his lips upwards. After a minute both men burst into giddy laughter and took their plates to sit at the table and eat.

Dorian had to admit he hadn’t been so excited to spend so much time with a love interest before. Every text and phone call from the other man sent butterflies of elation fluttering through his stomach. The old cliche saying of ‘love will give you wings’ seemed to prove disgustingly true. He flew through the days, impatiently waiting for the nights. Time was a cruel mistress: either she dawdled when unwanted, or rushed away when desired to linger.

He was introduced to Cullen’s coworkers at the brewery, a novel concept he was unused to. Neither introduced as ‘just a friend’ or just used as a pretty arm bauble. They accepted him as he was, pulled into a group of people that talked about archeological digs, extraterrestrial hypotheses, the newest anthropological articles. They asked him about his own work, one particularly excitable woman asking his views on the socio-political impact of abortion rights in the Western World.

On nights when Alistair wasn’t working, they would spend time at Dorian’s home (so as not to disturb the other man). The small upstairs duplex was quiet and well maintained. Cullen was enamored with the kitchen and the expansive granite counter space.

“This is so much nicer than my place.” He’d said the first time he’d visited, clearly impressed with the one bedroom apartment.

Dorian had laughed and kissed him, drawing the other into the living room where he had an actual television on his tv stand. They hadn’t spent much time watching the television, instead spending more time exploring each other.

Afterward they lay nude on the couch, watching an irrate British chef shout expletives at unwitting sous chefs.

“So, what... exactly is Alistair’s story?” He asked, fingers brushing over the pale hair that covered Cullen’s chest. It was something he’d wanted to ask for awhile, ever since the episode that had occurred on their date.

“Mm.” Cullen sighed and shifted slightly beneath him, turning his face away from Dorian. “It’s... complicated.”

He waited to see if the blonde would say any more. If his curiosity would be sated in regards to the high-strung red head.

After a few silent moments, Cullen turned his head and pressed a soft kiss to Dorian’s forehead. “I guess, it’s just... I don’t really know where to start.”

Dorian shrugged. “From the beginning, usually.”

A short bark of laughter. “Smart ass.” He mumbled with another warm kiss. “We met in boot camp. Both eager small town boys, ready to take on the world. He was my drill buddy, always by my side. Through thick and thin, you know? There was a lot of thick. ‘The worst has already happened,’ was his motto after boot.” Cullen paused, staring at the ceiling pensively. “When we were finally shipped over seas, we were lucky enough to be sent to the same command. A guy who called himself The Iron Bull. Funny, I can’t even remember his real name now...” Another thoughtful pause. Dorian pulled away from the other, leaning back slightly lifted on his elbow as he listened to the other’s story.

He hadn’t expected the whole story, but now that Cullen had started he found he wanted to hear it. All of it, every last bit he was willing to share. He wanted to _know_ what it was that had occurred before. He wanted to hear the stories that had made Cullen then man he was. He wanted to know every last heart ache and triumph that had molded this wonderful human being that Dorian was so utterly entranced by.

“Anyway, we were sent out to fill in a couple spots that had been, er, vacated.” Another pause. A long, beleaguered sigh. “Uh... It was pretty cool, at first. First tour out not much happened. You know, met the guys in the company. Bull called us ‘the Chargers’. Not our official company name but, you know. There was this guy that could work _magic_ with a little bit of butane and a match.” Cullen let out a soft, amused hum as he reminisced. “Yeah. We were good. Like, really good. They sent our company out on some of the worst shit. Clearing out known hot spots before the army moved in, checking possible enemy hives. It... It’s easy to forget yourself when you’re neck deep in enemy territory. Easy to forget your humanity. Easy to see any face that isn’t like yours and just... _Hate_ them. I read... A lot during that time. Just trying to remember what it was like to be normal, you know? To remember what it was to... have faith in humanity. To not be so angry all the time. So fucking afraid.”

Dorian felt his chest constrict painfully as his eyes wandered over Cullen’s features. He could see the pain, and anger that lingered just below the surface in that moment. As the gentle, kind man he had become accustom to fought with the internal angry, fearful boy he had been.

“We, um. There was this one mission we went on. Was supposed to be an easy one. Town had already been cleared a couple weeks prior. We were just doing a sweep, checking on the locals. We walked in and there was this... Intensity that pervaded the whole fucking place. Everyone just... stared at us. Like they were trying to tell us something was off, but they couldn’t _say_ shit. Alistair was handing out fucking lollipops. You ever have a Chupa Chup? From Mexico? He would order from the commissary bags of these things. Like hundreds in a bag. Always had one in his mouth, would hand them out to any kids we saw.” Cullen paused and shifted from where he lay to sit up straight. He picked at his nail beds nervously.

“You don’t-”

“It’s okay.” He muttered, clearing his throat softly. “Bull waved us over, could tell something was wrong there. Always called himself a ‘people person’. Heh. We were clearing this house that the locals all seemed to be avoiding. Walking room to room... ‘Clear. Clear. Clear,’” He lifted his hands and made a widening motion, fingers splayed, “Boom.”

Horror lanced through Dorian like a cold, steel knife. It struck deep, deeper still when he saw the far away look that had settled over Cullen’s face. As if the blonde were _there_ again, seeing the horrific turn of events.

“And... Bull was gone. Just like that.” A soft sniff of resentment. “Baddies came crawling from every which way after that. Like someone had banged on the drum of war. We got separated...” Cullen paused again, his breath coming in soft panting gasps. “Most of us got out. But... In the chaos Alistair, Cousland, Grim, Krem, and Oghren... They were separated off. They all were cornered in this house.” A quick shuddering breath wracked Cullen. Dorian reached over and took the other’s hand in his own. He held it close, kissing the other’s scarred knuckles. “It took us almost three days to get to them. No man left behind... They, um. Alistair was the only one to survive. We found him nearly dead locked in a closet. Cousland’s body had been blocking the doorway. I think, in the end, she had uh... Pushed him in there and locked it. Saved his stupid fucking life.”

Tears welled in Dorian’s eyes and he pressed his lips harder against Cullen’s knuckles, drawing a very small, trembling smile from his lover.

“He didn’t speak for months afterward. I mean, I think he was debriefed but... Afterward not a word. Nothing. Not even a ‘hm’ when asked a question. We were shipped back home after that, you know? Shipped home to decompress. Had a lot of mental evaluations done. Were we fit to send back? Were we broken beyond usefulness?” A hollow, shaky laugh. “I visited him every day in the hospital. And when he was released I visited him every day at home. It was hard, there were a lot of memories there. Him and, uh, Cousland... They had been... Well. I’m pretty sure she was pregnant. They hadn’t told anyone, but... There was a lot of talk about a wedding when we shipped back.” Cullen made a soft popping sound with his lips, still staring at his hands contemplatively. “We had just gotten orders we were getting reassigned to Germany... When he called me up. Four o’clock in the damned morning. ‘We’re going to Los Angeles.’ Is what he said. ‘We’re going to Los Angeles because the chicks are fine and the sun is warm.’ And uh... I was just so fucking happy to hear his voice again. Just... Yeah, yeah, sure man. Los Angeles. So we put in our paperwork and...”

He stopped talking then, just looking at his hands and taking deep breaths as if to recenter himself in the here and now. Dorian settled his head on Cullen’s shoulder, fingers winding between the blonde’s own. They both sat in silence, contemplating the story after it was finished.

“Thank you. For telling me.” He finally murmured, again lifting Cullen’s fingers to his lips to press a soft kiss.

“Just don’t, uh... Mention it. To him.” Cullen warned.

“I won’t.” They sat quietly, the soft glow of the television illuminating their nakedness in the cool room.

“Anyway, that’s what... He goes to a guy at the VA. I thought it had been helping him lately. But...”

Dorian nodded slowly for a moment before lifting his head and looking into Cullen’s brown eyes. “I know a doctor. He works closely with PTSD patients... Lots of that going round a NICU. I can give him a call, set up an appointment. He’s one of the top psychologists in the country. Dr. Fen’Harel. If... You think it’d be helpful. He wrote a whole paper on traumatic events and how they effect our psychosis. Recieved a laureate for it.”

Cullen contemplated Dorian for a moment, eyes seeking for assurance in his own. “I’ll... I’ll bring it up to him.”

“Brilliant. I’ll talk to him tomorrow. He comes into the hospital every other week for walk-in appointments. In high demand but... There should be a spot of two available if I can sweet talk my way into one.” Dorian waggled his eyebrows at Cullen, earning an endearing laugh. He pressed a kiss to the blonde’s lips, trying to impress upon him just how much he cared about the other in action rather than words.

 _I would do anything for you._ He thought, even as they settled down for another movie. Both men pressed tightly together, to assure each other that the other was there with them. That they were safe. And loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> War  
> I despise  
> It means destruction to innocent lives  
> War means tears  
> To thousands of mothers' eyes  
> When their sons go out to fight  
> And lose their lives  
> War, huh, yeah  
> What is it good for?  
> Nothing  
> War, huh (whoa, whoa whoa Lord)  
> What is it good for?  
> (Alright) Nothing
> 
> ~ War by Edwin Starr ~


End file.
